My Boyfriend’s Daughter is a Spoiled Brat 1Monday, February 28, 2011 7:37
I hate my boyfriend’s 13-year-old daughter. She’s been spoiled rotten by both of her parents since the divorce and they constantly make the excuse that the family separation has been very hard on her. Now, Fred and I are talking about moving in together, but I can’t stand the idea of living with this teenager. I love my boyfriend, but I’m not sure I can be civil with his daughter. Another problem is sometimes I think Fred loves her more than he loves me.
Move in together? Forget about it, at least for now.
It’s great that you can be honest about hating your boyfriend’s daughter and resenting their relationship. It’s a strength that you can pay attention to your feelings rather than ignoring or denying them. But the intensity of those feelings is a big flashing red light regarding the proposed living arrangement.
You may love Fred, but love is not the issue here. Fred comes with a daughter as a package deal. He has a child to raise at home for at least five more years and he can’t stop this process in midstream and set up house with you as if he’s a free man. Every negative feeling you have now will be magnified a thousandfold if you give up your own space. Also, Fred’s daughter is just entering her teenage years and I can assure you that the family dynamics will get harder, not easier.
Fred may be spoiling his daughter, and you can encourage him to take a look at his parenting in this arena. When a child is in pain (in the aftermath of divorce or anything else) it doesn’t help kids to indulge them, expect less, or fail to set clear limits.
But I’m sure Fred is correct in his view that the separation is hard on his daughter. Divorce is a crisis for everyone involved, even when it’s the right choice and the best outcome. It’s taken Fred and his daughter time to settle into their routine and time for his daughter to figure out how to be part of two households. Your moving in will dramatically shift all family relationships, and everyone will be called upon to make massive readjustments. Moving in together will intensify competition, jealousy, loyalty conflicts and the creation of “outsiders” and enemies within and between households. You need to work on these problems before you consider moving in together, not after.